Hello people. Hope you're all doing well.
I wanted to share a bit about my day and the two articles of clothing that i got.
The main event was going to my friends' house for lunch with my dad. On the way there we bought flowers for them and a gift for their baby boy. He loved the penguin plushy, and i had to entertain the toddler for like half an hour. I don't really know how kids work, let alone toddlers, so i just did silly stuff with the penguin whenever he handed it to me, and autistically tried to explain to the 1 and a half year old what penguins do for a living.
Thankfully, the kid was very much entertained. By the time we were leaving he was asking me to play with him and i felt bad telling him that i had to leave. His mom, my friend, said he liked me a lot, which clearly means that im not giving off "i'm dead inside and i hate you and everyone around me" vibes anymore, at least not today.
My dad insisted in having ice cream with me after that, so we walked around and miraculously found two pieces of clothing that had clearle been made for me exclusively /j. I'll show you
The first one was a sweater with batwing sleeves and the perfect shade of blue-green, with checkered pattern and all.
The next one was a Jacket, in my favorite shade of blue and my favorite jacket style. Reminds me a lot of the trenchcoat i used to wear back in high school, except this one is blue and cute.
After all that, I tried to stay calm for the rest of our time out. My dad was kind of a jerk today, as he often is, but i tried not to let that ruin my day. Then we had ice cream and went home.
That's pretty much it for today. Thanks for reading! Should i make more posts like this? Or would that be too annoying?
Have a nice day~
BONUS: a pic of my cat :3
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i only wanted to paint over the little wooden guy cause i got bored, then decided to add clay parts, realized it would be easier and better to just sculpt the doll from scratch aND NOW
Lain here, hope you're doing great. Today i'll tell you about a project i'm doing. Lets hope i can finish it eventually.
Yeah, i was bored and had a new hyperfixation... Good things sometimes come from that combination of circumstances, might as well do something with it! I could tell you the entire backstory of how i got here but i honestly don't know if thats important... not sure but I'm now obsessed with Ennard from FNAF, specifically J-Gems's The Interviewed Ennard. Again, i could go on a rant about this, about how they're the perfect kin cause we both have multiple "parts" to our identity (not sure if i should call mine "alters" cause the doctors can't pinpoint a diagnosis for us) and change our entire demeanor in a second, and i'm already starting to rant so i'll stop it there. Ennard is me/us but cuter, more un-masked, etc.
And i have this little wooden model guy, the ones that your parents give you when you start to show interest in drawing, the ones that you immediately realize are not helpful at all. You know them.
And i love to have small physical representations of the characters that inspire me or am obsessed with. I have a tiny version of Hank, and plan to add my other obsessions to my collection at a later date. So I thought it would be a fun project to turn this wooden thingy into Ennard, right? Just paint over it, add a mask with polymer clay. And while i'm at it why not add some wires and other details! But i'd have to thin out the limbs and definitely modify all the joints, cause this thing can barely bend its arms and Ennard is more mobile than a spider. Ok, i'll add some details in clay, modify the arms and legs, change out the joints...
My plan wasn't very good.
I thinned out the arms with a box cutter and hurt my wrist and fingers from the badly-applied brute force i used. I've never done wood carving before, and a box cutter definitely is not recommended for someone who has no clue what they're doing. I stabbed my thumb, strained my already strained wrist, and i have no idea how but my left index finger got swollen and painful a few hours later... ok...
That was yesterday. Well last night. Haven't slept for several nights now cause i'm missing some medications. But that's besides the point. Today i looked at the progress i made and realized it would be difficult to progress further. At first i wanted to try hollowing out the hip piece on the wooden dude, but after a few minutes of failing to shave off this tiny section of a solid wood piece for the hip socket, i realized i couldn't do it. Maybe someone else could, but not me; i wanna have fun with this project, i'm trying to drag myself out of a depressive episode, and miserably failing at a creative task won't help. NO VENTING, LAIN! MOVE ON WITH THE POST!
But i still had a sizable amount of polymer clay, and some sculpting tools and a deep desire to have a tiny noodle creature sitting on my desk. So I began sculpting the hip piece. Then i moved on to modifying the chest, but quickly realized that it would be better to just sculpt it from scratch too! And before even looking at the mess that was the arms and legs now i just said fuck it im gonna sculpt the entire thing. I'm gonna do it, i've tried it before and learned a lot about dolls since then. I can do it!
AND NOW IM SCULPTING THE BASE FOR A TINY ENNARD GOD IM SO EXCITED!! im gonna have a tiny noodle creature sitting on my desk and they're gonna be so cute and i could take them places like i do with Hank. just take the little cable man to therapy, and pose em for pictures, and cuddle them in my hands and talk to them and my other dolls ohhhh and i'm gonna create them from scratch!!
But I'm getting ahead of myself. This is only day two of the process, I didn't have a blueprint or anything, and i had the failure of my first doll in my mind. Maybe some day i'll take Franky's carcass out of the... wherever they are, and make them all over again. And speaking of Franky, there is one big concern in my mind: the oven. Ugh, poor Franky went into the oven all cute and round and smooth, and came out bubbly. Yeah, i don't know what happened there, not sure if it was the aluminum core or what, but the entire back side of that doll came out with bubbles like it had been fried. I would say it was a learning experience but it really wasn't, it was a big frustration and it brought me down; just imagine being depressed and having a dream of creating things and then you go and create the thing and it goes "no fuck you" and even though you did everything the right way you just failed massively and now your self esteem is even lower and there's no point in doing anything fun. Yeah.
So, the blueprint. I wasn't gonna draw my own, since Ennard's design is very specific, so i went online to look for references of their in-game model. All animatronics in FNAF have those, especially in Sister Location, the game Ennard comes from. All of them except Ennard, cause they weren't a designed in-game, they're an amalgamation that created itself. So... no wireframe blueprint... Ok, just an image, an official render of the model in A or T pose- NO THERE AREN'T ANY but there's a shit ton of fan models that don't look anything like the original design! It took me an embarrassing ammount of time to find a reference, mostly cause i got distracted by the large amount of fan designs, OCs and ship art... but i found one eventually! I printed it twice, cause i thought the first print out came out wrong, but then the second print out came out wrong too. So i compared the sizes of the images with the sizes of the hip piece and the original wooden model, and it turned out that the first print out was the perfect size and had the right views, and then i could use the second, smaller printout for reference when placing the wires and other details.
Yay we can finally begin the construction of little Ennard! New member of the family on the way and i plan to add more! cause i can only seem to relate to fictional characters! cause i'm a [DIAGNOSIS]!
Now the base of the hip, chest, and abdomen are ready for refinement, one arm is on the way, and I'm feeling better about my ability to make dolls. Maybe one day i'll tell you more about Franky, though there's not that much more to say other than explain the context and the bad impact that it had on me. I could tell you about my future doll/creature creation plans, but I started writing this post cause it was late and i wanted to close up my day, and now its two hours later... and i'm not sure i'll be able to sleep... well at least i have a nonsensical fanfic idea i could write, it's coming along nicely, surprisingly wholesome. Tho i wouldn't be surprised if it gets weird or wholesomely fucked up- is that a thing? is there such a thing as fucked up but wholesome at the same time? I hope so cause im tired of people telling me to tone my shit down HOW ABOUT you try to live in this head for more than a day and then write a story that doesn't contain "bad things"?
HHHHHHH i'm tired and idk if i should start venting. I'm gonna go to bed, with my notebook and my cute pen, think about my dipshit ideas, and try to sleep. If i can't then i just won't sleep at all tonight or tomorrow so i can go get my medication. It's gonna be miserable but it's what i have to do i guess. I JUST WANNA REST I DONT WANT MORE OF THIS I NEED TO WITHER AWAY INTO DUST TO BE SWEPT BY THE WIND I NEED TO GO PLEASE LET ME GO.
That's it i guess, I'll try to show more progress at a later date. Thank you for reading! Have a nice day, night, or whatever time it is for you right now. We wish you well <3
NEL, Lain (and a few more, SHOW YOURSELVES OR SHUT UP)
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Hi! i hope you're doing good, whenver this reaches you-
Today i bring you an unboxing, cause i really wanted to do an unboxing but i don't enjoy the video making process all that much. Actually, it's two unboxings, as two packages came in within the same week; one day apart from each other to be exact. I had been waiting for both and wanted to do a picture unboxing for the blog, just cause i want to keep a record of it i guess.
First, my Hobonichi order! This one got here first.
In case you don't know what hobonichi is, it is a brand of japanese stationery, mostly paper planners, that all share a similar functional aesthetic. Visually, the planners are very minimalistic, which makes them very versatile. There are also accessories and planner covers that all have different designs, with new ones being released every year, but i don't have the budget for those, so i turn to AliExpress and buy a Moterm or a Kinbor cover.
I'm pretty sure i did a shit job at explaining this, i'm so sorry. Anyway, let's just go into the unboxings.
This year's box is an orangy red, the kind of red that i don't like; i'm really picky with my reds. I think the technical color name is Vermillion, but i could be wrong about that. Each year is a different color and has a different poem printed on the inner lid. This year's says:
"It's ok if it were a lie or a joke,
try saying, "I had something good today, too."
And then, close your eyes.
Something as good as a tiny stone,
is rolling here and there,
more often that you think."
-Safety Match's Fireplace Chat
I'm gonna be honest: i'm bad with metaphores and i blame it on my autism. Well, jokes aside, i really don't know what this means, maybe the poem was translated from japanese but not exactly localized; that often explains weird dialogues on manga and videogames after all. Looking at it again after several days of looking at it and pondering on it, i think it's pretty obvious what it says and im just dumb. My interpretation would be that this is about gratitude and optimism, it's telling us to think of the small things on those days when everything seems to go wrong or nothing seems to be happening. The part about the stones makes me think of the flow of nature, and how even the smallest things help keep the world in constant movement.
Idk maybe im overthinking it. Moving on.
Another Hobonichi tradition is the extra gifts that each item comes with. Every planner comes with a pen, which is a different color every year. This year i got two of them, cause i bought two planners, and a cloth bag with 2023 printed on it.
The bag has another small poem written on the inside, this one is much more straight forward and is a pretty nice sentiment. It says:
"Today is the only day the me I am right now will ever exist. I want to keep a record of that so the me in the future won't forget them."
It goes perfect with a concept that this company uses a lot, the "life book". The life book concept goes well with the fact that a lot of people don't use Hobonichis strictly as planners, instead using them as journals or a mix of the two. Personally, i use one of them as a planner and the other one as a journal.
First item i ordered was the Hobonichi Weeks. I've been using this one as my planner for this entire past year, and i love it. Something about it works perfectly for my needs! I'm going to use it again in 2023, which would be my second year with it. I got the Sneaker Mega version, which means that it's soft cover and has extra notes pages in the back. And of course i got the blue one.
Also also every year, the small informational pamphlet has different designs. This year seems to be a cookie theme, but it's not as fun as last year's, which had cats. Ironically, my cat destroyed the one from last year, i was foolish and arrogant enough to paste it on the wall without her permission i guess. Cats.
And speaking of cats...
Kitty lunch break! Midway through the unboxing process, i noticed that it was my cats's meal time. It was a good moment to get them away from my box and my bad lighting situation so that i could continue looking through my new stuff without having a small hairy creature crawling all over me. Yeah one of my cats is very... demanding? Idk but she can get really annoying whenever she's not sleeping. Still love her, the stinky mouse
Now on to the main event of the Hobonichi order...
The Hobonichi Cousin! I've been wanting to try one of these for years! I'm so glad i managed to get one for 2023. This will be my daily journal or commonplace book or whatever i need it to be each day. I chose to go with one of these cause i really like the paper that Hobonichis use, the format is flexible enough to adapt to whatever i need, and it's a good size for writing and drawing. I was scared it would feel intimidating cause it's a big and thick book, but i love it and i can't wait to start using it. aaaAAA the hype!!
That's the Hobonichi order. I wanted to get more stuff, mainly some accessories, but i also didn't have enough of a budget for those. I think i'll get some accessories later from other, more affordable, places. I mean, the items are fairly priced imo, the problem is the shipping! Shipping from Japan to Chile is stupid expensive. Add import taxes on top of that. Poof, there goes three to four months worth of allowance.
Anyway, let's move on to the second unboxing!!
This one i was SO EXCITED ABOUT!! At first i thought i would have to wait until december to get it, but then i got paid for an art commission and managed to pay for about 80% of this. Here it is!!
My first tamagotchi, Tamagotchi Pix!!
I've wanted a tamagotchi ever since i was a kid. I had a knockoff once, it had only 2 buttons, dot matrix screen, horrible sound, and used the most annoying to find watch batteries. Over all i didn't like it all that much, and i was very forgetful back then too, so my little critter was always sad and hungry. This is not therapy tho, so i'm gonna tell you about the new thing.
I did some research and decided on the blue Pix. Blue cause it seems that this is the second wave of the Pix, which has better buttons and improved battery life. I'm not sure about that cause i haven't had the previous ones, but i'm pretty happy with it, it's a lot of fun, and it's blue!
The game gave me this adorable green baby. I struggled a bit at first but he eventually became very happy and chirped and jumped around a bit.
He evolved several times, apparently i took very good care of him because of the evolutions that i got. I had a lot of fun watching him grow, cooking with him, exploring my room and the day hospital. I just wish there was a way to export the pictures to my computer or phone. I know this is a toy for children, so i understand that maybe photo sharing features would be a security concern, but still. At least my phone has a macro camera option, so i can take pictures of the screen if i need to.
I was pleasantly surprised with the customization options for this little egg too!
Those are the faceplates i printed off the internet. They're from Fuzzy n' Chic and Gotchi Garden.
"But Dom it's november already halloween is ov-!" SHUSH it is always time for halloween. I'm a witch all year round FYI.
Finally, I got my adult tama, Weeptchi! So i'll share my profile QR code so that you can add me if you want to.
I'm planning on getting all the adult evolutions, somehow, eventually. Other than that i'm debating wether to get a Vital Bracelet VV or the Puni Tapi Chan... very very torn between the two...please commission me !!
That's pretty much it! Thank you a lot for reading. I wanted to write another post a few days ago and everything went to shit. I noticed that it's better to write concise pieces when things have cooled down. I'd rather say some nasty shit on my vent journal than to plaster slander all over the internet. I'm gonna write my reflections of recent events sometime soon when i feel a bit better, mostly cause redacting my feelings into text helps me process and understand them better.
Thank you again. Have a nice day, night, whatever time it is for you when you read this. NEL <3Write comment (0 Comments)
I wanted to write up another life update, but i'm still processing all the things and changes and emotions. All i can say for now is that i have a diagnosis and i'm working on some issues.
Today I wanted to talk about something i'll call "performative planning". But since this blog is pretty new i'm gonna give out some context.
Long story short: I like planners. Paper planners, specifically Hobonichi and ring-bound planners. I've tried a multitude of them and now i've been using a Hobonichi Weeks for almost a year (and the one for next year should be arriving soon). It took me a loooong time to find one planner that works for me, and i'm so happy i found one.
In general, planning is meant to be a tool and not a chore; I think that sums it up well enough. I ditched several planners in the past, both dated (the ones that come with pre-set dates for an entire year) and undated (the ones that don't come with dates so that you can use them whenever). I noticed that ring-bound planners were very versatile, but can easily become overwhelming. The hobonichi intimidated me at first, but now i've gotten very very comfortable with it. Everyone has different needs, so there's probably a planner out there for almost everyone.
I've been on this planner journey for several years now, and the way that i approach certain things, including planning itself, has changed.
Enter social media.
I've been following the planner community for those several years as well. Seeing trends come and go, companies rising and falling, people changing their entire planning systems, etc. Like most people who are passionate about a hobby, whatever it might be, I too wanted to be a part of it. Not to become famous, just to be there and interact with people who share an interest with me. Most of the planner community is either on Facebook, Instagram, or Youtube. Facebook i don't use, Youtube is too complicated for me, so i created an Instagram account dedicated to planner content.
What do you do when you join a community? You post content related to it. And in the planner community we post our planners. This is where the problem begins.
Going back to the beginning of this post: planning is meant to be a tool and not a chore. It should help you, not stress you out. I'm a perfectionist, so my planner has to be perfect and carefully curated to be posted on instagram. See what the problem is here?
Wanting to plan for social media makes planning impractical, cumbersome, stressful, and counterintuitive. I quickly found myself censoring what i put in my planner in order to appeal to other people, and so my planner stopped being useful for me. I became self conscious about things that shouldn't matter. Does this weekly spread look too plain? Colorful or neutrals? Is it too silly to write in my gaming goals for today? Will i lose followers if i post a different color scheme? etc etc.
Then there's the typical social media problems. To me its super stressful; i struggle interacting with my friends, how am i supposed to interact with a bunch of strangers on a daily basis? And i don't know why but seeing my post be a day old and only have 2 likes really brings me down. I know social media numbers are not important, but they do affect me and i know im not the only one that feels that way. I also don't feel like i fit in... anywhere to be honest lol but specially in social media. There's always gonna be small cliques and circles that i was too late to be a part of. Moving on before i start ranting about my social rejection issues...
I wanted to be a content creator for some reason, i still want to sometimes, but i know i'm probably not made for that. I struggle with people, i'm awkward, i can't keep up with my own schedule; i just need to work on a lot of things before I can make that happen. I have a youtube channel for planner content, but i really struggle with editing video and i don't have a good set up regarding both audio and video quality. Maybe if i ever get a microphone or something i can make it work, but even then i don't know. Now with my hobonichi order on its way i was thinking of how to make a haul video happen, but i don't want to, to be honest.
I decided instead of having a thousand niche accounts that i will never be able to keep up with, i'm just gonna have my twitter and deviantart for art, my instagram for whatever the hell i have going on there, and this blog for everything and anything i wanna talk about. For my Hobonichi order, i'm just gonna take a few pictures and write a small entry on here, and have some fun decorating it and just being me on the internet. I was about to start talking about decentralization but i think i'll leave that for a different day lmao
Ok, i don't know if any of this made any sense to you; i appologize if it didn't. Nevertheless, i'm gonna thank you for reading and wish you a very good day~
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So. I got accepted into the day hospital, out patient program, whatever you would call it. It's some sort of rehab for people with severe mental illnesses, such as me, to make them acquire good habits and get their shit together And I doubt that will happen to me. But im already there, my parents have way too much hope for it, and i want to at least try it
It's not all bad though. The routine is annoying, but it got me to take better care of myself these past few weeks. I'm showering more often, i'm eating at least one regular meal a day... yeah that's a big achievement for me, how sad is that?
I'm gonna be honest, I don't like having to go there every day The place is very far from my house and going there scares me (i'm too afraid to leave my room most of the time anyway), and the format of the place feels like im in school again, which i hate. I stayed positive the first week, but for the past week and a half i haven't gotten through more than an hour without wishing i was home I know i gotta get out of my "comfort zone", but i don't like it, it's stressful. The place is loud and that alone makes it painful to be there. I have a sensory processing disorder, and when i mentioned it to one of the therapists there she said "you just gotta get used to it" which rubbed me the wrong way to say the least.
And speaking of that, I'm already having issues with that one therapist... let's call her Mareanie for convenience. Yes, like the pokemon, cause she's just plain mean If there's a personality equivalent to a resting bitch face, then she definitely has it. I don't think she's being mean to me on purpose, i think she's trying to help, but she's so bad at it! I don't wanna talk shit about people, but she treated me like shit during our first individual session. She said i HAVE to shower every day and dismissed my progress in the whole self care thing. She said i can't be disabled cause i'm "too young" and that by admitting that there are some things that i just can't do as well as other people i'm "limiting" myself and being "prescriptive" That last one is just funny when you take into account that this person is saying that EVERYONE has to shower EVERY DAY, which isn't viable for everyone, not everyone has the same needs! I have very sensitive skin AND sensory issues, so when she suggested i shower every day and put on lotion every day i mentioned that, and she told me to "either deal with the lotion or deal with the itchiness". I'm not being hyperbolic when i tell you that it took my entire willpower and an entire life of being forced to mask for the comfort of others to not verbally assault her after that session Long story long, i know i've gone on for too long on this, she's mean and i don't like her I don't agree with a lot of the things she said to me. She even forced me to set goals that i don't agree with or that don't make sense for me, i said no and she asked me if i was sure at least five times, which makes me very uncomfortable for some reason. idk man, i just don't like her, she makes me really uncomfy. Oh and it turns out one of the other patients also doesn't like her; i lowkey wanna go around asking everyone but i'm scared someone's gonna tell on me.
This is gonna be long... i'm sorry. If you're still reading, hi, thank you for stopping by. I hope you have a great week and rest well.
Ok, now for the activities. It feels like those forced workshops and restrictive craft sessions from school, not gonna lie. The workshops are meant to teach us tools and methods for dealing with our illnesses, most of which don't work on me. I know not everything works on everyone, and these things really work on some of the other patients, i just wish i was doing individual therapy instead.
I miss my old therapists so much...
The craft activities are... questionable. We decorated for spring (southern hemisphere here) and Halloween, i even got to make two drawings for that, which came out awful. But then they taught us "bookbinding". I got super excited when they mentioned bookbinding cause i do enjoy it quite a lot in my own time, i make my own notebooks and inserts and sketchbooks and i have fun with it. But the technique they taught us was so sad, and i'm not being a snob about it, i'm just saying give me a thumbtack and two staples and i can make something usable in half the ammount of time. omg i sound so mean. i'm sorry
I don't want to write you a novel, so i think im gonna talk about one or two topics more and leave it at that.
The people. They're interesting...
First a disclaimer: I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), and that does affect the way i relate to and perceive other people. I have to be very, VERY mindful of what i feel and think in order to not be hypercritical, judgemental, and just mean. I hate being mean, i hate making people feel bad, but i also think that it's important to acknowledge these thoughts and let them be in order to identify them and stop them from showing up in my behavior. Am i fake? maybe. But i'd rather be a bit fake than make everyone around me feel like shit. Been there and it's not nice; i'm not abusive, i'm ill, and there's only so much i can do about it.
Alright, the people. They're ok i guess. Most of us there have BPD, so we can relate to each other a lot and i can tell pretty easily when someone's having a bad day and needs to be left alone so they're not triggered. This one girl, we'll call her... Amy? Let's go with Amy. So, Amy is going through a tough time, and she often takes it out on another patient, let's call him Mick (really bullshitting you with the names im so sorry). Mick has schizophrenia and struggles with interacting with the world around him.
You'd ask him a question, reply, then when you ask a follow up question he'd ask "what?" and then when you repeat the question he'd contradict his previous answer. He also talks to what i guess are hallucinations, laughs with them, etc. Also quick sidenote cause its funny; i heard him laugh and talk to someone when he was sitting on his own, so i started paying attention, and at some point he laughed and "repeated" what this mystery person was saying. What was it? "Hahaha, donkey wanker?". I tried my best not to burst out laughing, it was just so unexpected and weird. Idk i'm just glad he at least has fun with it some times; it's not a curse, you know, it's an illness that has its ups and downs.
What was i saying? The Amy and Mick thing, yes. Amy apparently really doesn't like Mick. She scolds him for everything, gets very annoyed at him, is very impatient, etc. She's not a bad person, she's just going through a lot. I've been there myself so i know not to judge her too much for it. Moving on.
There was another dude but he got discharged last week cause he was harassing another patient. Real piece of shit, and that one deserves the judgement. Moving on.
There's also two older women and two younger ones that are somewhat around my age. Let's call these last two... Reny and... Debbie. Really creative with the names today, wish i could make up names this quick for my OCs. Those two also have BPD, and have fairly different temperaments. Reny is a bit hot headed sometimes, especially when she's having a difficult day or when dealing with Mick. I think she just doesn't like Mick, cause she's pretty nice to everyone else, not sure. I like her, she's fun, but she's a bit rigid sometimes. Reny gets along very well with Amy, they go for smoking breaks together and talk in whispers; is this highschool? sorry, i just don't like people i guess.
Debbie is so much fun, she makes me laugh a lot, she always talks to me and we even did each other's make up today! It was a lot of fun; and yes, I, a masc-leaning individual, wear make up. I like to say that i just put colors on my face, i just want my face to be colorful like my mind is. Sorry i keep getting distracted. Debbie makes me laugh, i look forward to seeing her every day and i probably wouldn't feel as comfortable there without her.
But I still don't feel comfortable around people. It's probably the BPD talking, but i always feel like i'll never fit in, i'm always left out, people don't like me, and everyone would be better off without me I just feel that, and i don't think a couple months of forced socialising will fix that. I think i was doing a lot of progress with my previous psychiatric team, i feel like i would have been better off with just them and an optative regular activity like going to a game store or another hobby specific space. I do hope this will help, and i know that if it doesn't work i will still not be at square one. I just don't think my needs will be met at the day hospital, but i'm already here so i guess i'll try
To leave this on a positive note, I do enjoy talking to Debbie and Reny, even though i still feel like they only tolerate me. I like getting a small juice box and lettuce every day (the rest of the food is not very nice, but it is what it is) and i like taking my journaling supplies there and using my breaks for writing and journaling
Also also! I got a commission earlier this week! I'm already done with the lineart and im so happy that I will be able to put that money towards the tamagotchi i wanna get for christmas. I'm hoping i'll be able to get more commissions and save up for a Resinsoul Yang, i've been wanting that doll for soooooo long.
alright, i'll shut up now.
Thank you for reading! I hope you have a very good day/night/etc and that good news come your way. NEL <3Write comment (0 Comments)
I guess i'm in a rambly mood right now, and this is literally made for that. Or should i say im always in a rambly mood... idk
Yes, i'm writing a blog post before i finish setting up the website. I don't think it matters that much tho; after all, no project of mine is ever finished. If you wanna know more about me, visit the about page, it's me listing random facts about me.
Ok, back on topic/ we're never gonna be on topic, are we?
I've been thinking about loneliness lately, specifically how it challenges some of my strongly held beliefs.
Taking it back to the beginning, or as close to it as possible, i've been lonely for most of my life. I grew up in a difficult situation, like most of us. Bullying, separation from family members and attachment issues; i felt alone most of the time. So i learned to be alone, to have very few friends, to not seek out anyone and to value my time alone. "I like being alone, i prefer being alone." I still feel that, but it doesn't change the fact that i feel lonely. I'm not good with people but i feel like i'm missing out on making friends and having fun. Well, i missed out on a LOT of things, but that's a topic for another day.
I'm at a point in my life where most of my friends are online, due to moving countries and spending an unholy amount of time online. I have 1 (yes, one) IRL friend and they are too busy with their own stuff. Everyone else is busy with their own stuff, am i too? Idk, do i have my own stuff or am i an item sitting on a shelf waiting to be dusted off and moved to another shelf? That's also a topic for another day. Maybe i should make a list! What i'm trying to say is... many things, let's go one by one i guess.
For so long i felt rejected and alone, that i don't feel comfortable in friendships. I feel like i don't need irl friends, that i'm ok with having a few internet acquaintances. But now it almost seems like i want irl friends, even a partner. What? I mean, i'd be more than happy to have an online partner, cuz i dont care about the physical stuff. It's just that i feel myself wanting companionship, and i have no idea how to get it. I'm used to being alone, i'm afraid to reach out to people, and when people reach out to me i get scared and push them awai. Wow i'm an idiot.
The other thing is that i never feel like i belong anywhere. No matter how hard i try to get into a friend group or a community or something, i always feel like im still on the outside. Like i'm the "extra" or "replacement" for when they need one person more. I feel like its "my friends and Ink" instead of me immediately being included with the "friends". I never felt welcome. God this is getting sad, let's move on.
About being an item collecting dust... yeah, i often feel like that. Like i'm someone's forgotten toy that they only take out when they're extremely bored; kinda circles back to the "extra" thing. I feel like people don't have time for me, like i'm the last of the last person on the list. The last option. Am i being dramatic? Maybe it's the BPD talking, but i always have one person as my first option, yet i've never been anyone's first option, ever...
Should i delete this? i'm getting upset... this is the place for that i guess. the internet is forever or until im unable to host this site. if i wanna leave a mark its here i guess.
So i've been thinking about loneliness, and i'm wondering if it's too late to get more friends. I really don't know how to make friends, i don't know how to keep those friends, ect. I want a partner, can you believe that? I know i'm NEVER find a person that will respect my boundaries, why do i even want one?? I don't need one, i dont need friends. All i need is to feel better and stay in my tower and have fun here on my own.
Ok, i'm starting to ramble. I'll just leave this here and go work on the guestbook and the home page.
thanks for reading, sorry for wasting your time. NEL <3Write comment (0 Comments)
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