i only wanted to paint over the little wooden guy cause i got bored, then decided to add clay parts, realized it would be easier and better to just sculpt the doll from scratch aND NOW
anyway
Lain here, hope you're doing great. Today i'll tell you about a project i'm doing. Lets hope i can finish it eventually.
Yeah, i was bored and had a new hyperfixation... Good things sometimes come from that combination of circumstances, might as well do something with it! I could tell you the entire backstory of how i got here but i honestly don't know if thats important... not sure but I'm now obsessed with Ennard from FNAF, specifically J-Gems's The Interviewed Ennard. Again, i could go on a rant about this, about how they're the perfect kin cause we both have multiple "parts" to our identity (not sure if i should call mine "alters" cause the doctors can't pinpoint a diagnosis for us) and change our entire demeanor in a second, and i'm already starting to rant so i'll stop it there. Ennard is me/us but cuter, more un-masked, etc.
And i have this little wooden model guy, the ones that your parents give you when you start to show interest in drawing, the ones that you immediately realize are not helpful at all. You know them.
And i love to have small physical representations of the characters that inspire me or am obsessed with. I have a tiny version of Hank, and plan to add my other obsessions to my collection at a later date. So I thought it would be a fun project to turn this wooden thingy into Ennard, right? Just paint over it, add a mask with polymer clay. And while i'm at it why not add some wires and other details! But i'd have to thin out the limbs and definitely modify all the joints, cause this thing can barely bend its arms and Ennard is more mobile than a spider. Ok, i'll add some details in clay, modify the arms and legs, change out the joints...
My plan wasn't very good.
I thinned out the arms with a box cutter and hurt my wrist and fingers from the badly-applied brute force i used. I've never done wood carving before, and a box cutter definitely is not recommended for someone who has no clue what they're doing. I stabbed my thumb, strained my already strained wrist, and i have no idea how but my left index finger got swollen and painful a few hours later... ok...
That was yesterday. Well last night. Haven't slept for several nights now cause i'm missing some medications. But that's besides the point. Today i looked at the progress i made and realized it would be difficult to progress further. At first i wanted to try hollowing out the hip piece on the wooden dude, but after a few minutes of failing to shave off this tiny section of a solid wood piece for the hip socket, i realized i couldn't do it. Maybe someone else could, but not me; i wanna have fun with this project, i'm trying to drag myself out of a depressive episode, and miserably failing at a creative task won't help. NO VENTING, LAIN! MOVE ON WITH THE POST!
But i still had a sizable amount of polymer clay, and some sculpting tools and a deep desire to have a tiny noodle creature sitting on my desk. So I began sculpting the hip piece. Then i moved on to modifying the chest, but quickly realized that it would be better to just sculpt it from scratch too! And before even looking at the mess that was the arms and legs now i just said fuck it im gonna sculpt the entire thing. I'm gonna do it, i've tried it before and learned a lot about dolls since then. I can do it!
AND NOW IM SCULPTING THE BASE FOR A TINY ENNARD GOD IM SO EXCITED!! im gonna have a tiny noodle creature sitting on my desk and they're gonna be so cute and i could take them places like i do with Hank. just take the little cable man to therapy, and pose em for pictures, and cuddle them in my hands and talk to them and my other dolls 
ohhhh and i'm gonna create them from scratch!!
But I'm getting ahead of myself. This is only day two of the process, I didn't have a blueprint or anything, and i had the failure of my first doll in my mind. Maybe some day i'll take Franky's carcass out of the... wherever they are, and make them all over again. And speaking of Franky, there is one big concern in my mind: the oven. Ugh, poor Franky went into the oven all cute and round and smooth, and came out bubbly. Yeah, i don't know what happened there, not sure if it was the aluminum core or what, but the entire back side of that doll came out with bubbles like it had been fried. I would say it was a learning experience but it really wasn't, it was a big frustration and it brought me down; just imagine being depressed and having a dream of creating things and then you go and create the thing and it goes "no fuck you" and even though you did everything the right way you just failed massively and now your self esteem is even lower and there's no point in doing anything fun. Yeah.
So, the blueprint. I wasn't gonna draw my own, since Ennard's design is very specific, so i went online to look for references of their in-game model. All animatronics in FNAF have those, especially in Sister Location, the game Ennard comes from. All of them except Ennard, cause they weren't a designed in-game, they're an amalgamation that created itself. So... no wireframe blueprint... Ok, just an image, an official render of the model in A or T pose- NO THERE AREN'T ANY but there's a shit ton of fan models that don't look anything like the original design! It took me an embarrassing ammount of time to find a reference, mostly cause i got distracted by the large amount of fan designs, OCs and ship art... but i found one eventually! I printed it twice, cause i thought the first print out came out wrong, but then the second print out came out wrong too. So i compared the sizes of the images with the sizes of the hip piece and the original wooden model, and it turned out that the first print out was the perfect size and had the right views, and then i could use the second, smaller printout for reference when placing the wires and other details.
Yay we can finally begin the construction of little Ennard! New member of the family on the way 
and i plan to add more! cause i can only seem to relate to fictional characters! cause i'm a [DIAGNOSIS]!
Now the base of the hip, chest, and abdomen are ready for refinement, one arm is on the way, and I'm feeling better about my ability to make dolls. Maybe one day i'll tell you more about Franky, though there's not that much more to say other than explain the context and the bad impact that it had on me. I could tell you about my future doll/creature creation plans, but I started writing this post cause it was late and i wanted to close up my day, and now its two hours later... and i'm not sure i'll be able to sleep... well at least i have a nonsensical fanfic idea i could write, it's coming along nicely, surprisingly wholesome. Tho i wouldn't be surprised if it gets weird or wholesomely fucked up- is that a thing? is there such a thing as fucked up but wholesome at the same time? I hope so cause im tired of people telling me to tone my shit down HOW ABOUT you try to live in this head for more than a day and then write a story that doesn't contain "bad things"?
HHHHHHH i'm tired and idk if i should start venting. I'm gonna go to bed, with my notebook and my cute pen, think about my dipshit ideas, and try to sleep. If i can't then i just won't sleep at all tonight or tomorrow so i can go get my medication. It's gonna be miserable but it's what i have to do i guess. I JUST WANNA REST I DONT WANT MORE OF THIS I NEED TO WITHER AWAY INTO DUST TO BE SWEPT BY THE WIND I NEED TO GO PLEASE LET ME GO.
That's it i guess, I'll try to show more progress at a later date. Thank you for reading! Have a nice day, night, or whatever time it is for you right now. We wish you well <3
NEL, Lain (and a few more, SHOW YOURSELVES OR SHUT UP)
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