So. I got accepted into the day hospital, out patient program, whatever you would call it. It's some sort of rehab for people with severe mental illnesses, such as me, to make them acquire good habits and get their shit together And I doubt that will happen to me. But im already there, my parents have way too much hope for it, and i want to at least try it 

It's not all bad though. The routine is annoying, but it got me to take better care of myself these past few weeks. I'm showering more often, i'm eating at least one regular meal a day... yeah that's a big achievement for me, how sad is that?

I'm gonna be honest, I don't like having to go there every day The place is very far from my house and going there scares me (i'm too afraid to leave my room most of the time anyway), and the format of the place feels like im in school again, which i hate. I stayed positive the first week, but for the past week and a half i haven't gotten through more than an hour without wishing i was home I know i gotta get out of my "comfort zone", but i don't like it, it's stressful. The place is loud and that alone makes it painful to be there. I have a sensory processing disorder, and when i mentioned it to one of the therapists there she said "you just gotta get used to it" which rubbed me the wrong way to say the least.

And speaking of that, I'm already having issues with that one therapist... let's call her Mareanie for convenience. Yes, like the pokemon, cause she's just plain mean If there's a personality equivalent to a resting bitch face, then she definitely has it. I don't think she's being mean to me on purpose, i think she's trying to help, but she's so bad at it! I don't wanna talk shit about people, but she treated me like shit during our first individual session. She said i HAVE to shower every day and dismissed my progress in the whole self care thing. She said i can't be disabled cause i'm "too young" and that by admitting that there are some things that i just can't do as well as other people i'm "limiting" myself and being "prescriptive" That last one is just funny when you take into account that this person is saying that EVERYONE has to shower EVERY DAY, which isn't viable for everyone, not everyone has the same needs! I have very sensitive skin AND sensory issues, so when she suggested i shower every day and put on lotion every day i mentioned that, and she told me to "either deal with the lotion or deal with the itchiness". I'm not being hyperbolic when i tell you that it took my entire willpower and an entire life of being forced to mask for the comfort of others to not verbally assault her after that session Long story long, i know i've gone on for too long on this, she's mean and i don't like her I don't agree with a lot of the things she said to me. She even forced me to set goals that i don't agree with or that don't make sense for me, i said no and she asked me if i was sure at least five times, which makes me very uncomfortable for some reason. idk man, i just don't like her, she makes me really uncomfy. Oh and it turns out one of the other patients also doesn't like her; i lowkey wanna go around asking everyone but i'm scared someone's gonna tell on me.

This is gonna be long... i'm sorry. If you're still reading, hi, thank you for stopping by. I hope you have a great week and rest well.

Ok, now for the activities. It feels like those forced workshops and restrictive craft sessions from school, not gonna lie. The workshops are meant to teach us tools and methods for dealing with our illnesses, most of which don't work on me. I know not everything works on everyone, and these things really work on some of the other patients, i just wish i was doing individual therapy instead.

I miss my old therapists so much...

The craft activities are... questionable. We decorated for spring (southern hemisphere here) and Halloween, i even got to make two drawings for that, which came out awful. But then they taught us "bookbinding". I got super excited when they mentioned bookbinding cause i do enjoy it quite a lot in my own time, i make my own notebooks and inserts and sketchbooks and i have fun with it. But the technique they taught us was so sad, and i'm not being a snob about it, i'm just saying give me a thumbtack and two staples and i can make something usable in half the ammount of time. omg i sound so mean. i'm sorry

I don't want to write you a novel, so i think im gonna talk about one or two topics more and leave it at that.

The people. They're interesting...

First a disclaimer: I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), and that does affect the way i relate to and perceive other people. I have to be very, VERY mindful of what i feel and think in order to not be hypercritical, judgemental, and just mean. I hate being mean, i hate making people feel bad, but i also think that it's important to acknowledge these thoughts and let them be in order to identify them and stop them from showing up in my behavior. Am i fake? maybe. But i'd rather be a bit fake than make everyone around me feel like shit. Been there and it's not nice; i'm not abusive, i'm ill, and there's only so much i can do about it.

Alright, the people. They're ok i guess. Most of us there have BPD, so we can relate to each other a lot and i can tell pretty easily when someone's having a bad day and needs to be left alone so they're not triggered. This one girl, we'll call her... Amy? Let's go with Amy. So, Amy is going through a tough time, and she often takes it out on another patient, let's call him Mick (really bullshitting you with the names im so sorry). Mick has schizophrenia and struggles with interacting with the world around him.

You'd ask him a question, reply, then when you ask a follow up question he'd ask "what?" and then when you repeat the question he'd contradict his previous answer. He also talks to what i guess are hallucinations, laughs with them, etc. Also quick sidenote cause its funny; i heard him laugh and talk to someone when he was sitting on his own, so i started paying attention, and at some point he laughed and "repeated" what this mystery person was saying. What was it? "Hahaha, donkey wanker?". I tried my best not to burst out laughing, it was just so unexpected and weird. Idk i'm just glad he at least has fun with it some times; it's not a curse, you know, it's an illness that has its ups and downs.

What was i saying? The Amy and Mick thing, yes. Amy apparently really doesn't like Mick. She scolds him for everything, gets very annoyed at him, is very impatient, etc. She's not a bad person, she's just going through a lot. I've been there myself so i know not to judge her too much for it. Moving on.

There was another dude but he got discharged last week cause he was harassing another patient. Real piece of shit, and that one deserves the judgement. Moving on.

There's also two older women and two younger ones that are somewhat around my age. Let's call these last two... Reny and... Debbie. Really creative with the names today, wish i could make up names this quick for my OCs. Those two also have BPD, and have fairly different temperaments. Reny is a bit hot headed sometimes, especially when she's having a difficult day or when dealing with Mick. I think she just doesn't like Mick, cause she's pretty nice to everyone else, not sure. I like her, she's fun, but she's a bit rigid sometimes. Reny gets along very well with Amy, they go for smoking breaks together and talk in whispers; is this highschool? sorry, i just don't like people i guess.

Debbie is so much fun, she makes me laugh a lot, she always talks to me and we even did each other's make up today! It was a lot of fun; and yes, I, a masc-leaning individual, wear make up. I like to say that i just put colors on my face, i just want my face to be colorful like my mind is. Sorry i keep getting distracted. Debbie makes me laugh, i look forward to seeing her every day and i probably wouldn't feel as comfortable there without her.

But I still don't feel comfortable around people. It's probably the BPD talking, but i always feel like i'll never fit in, i'm always left out, people don't like me, and everyone would be better off without me I just feel that, and i don't think a couple months of forced socialising will fix that. I think i was doing a lot of progress with my previous psychiatric team, i feel like i would have been better off with just them and an optative regular activity like going to a game store or another hobby specific space. I do hope this will help, and i know that if it doesn't work i will still not be at square one. I just don't think my needs will be met at the day hospital, but i'm already here so i guess i'll try


To leave this on a positive note, I do enjoy talking to Debbie and Reny, even though i still feel like they only tolerate me. I like getting a small juice box and lettuce every day (the rest of the food is not very nice, but it is what it is) and i like taking my journaling supplies there and using my breaks for writing and journaling

Also also! I got a commission earlier this week! I'm already done with the lineart and im so happy that I will be able to put that money towards the tamagotchi i wanna get for christmas. I'm hoping i'll be able to get more commissions and save up for a Resinsoul Yang, i've been wanting that doll for soooooo long. 

alright, i'll shut up now.

Thank you for reading! I hope you have a very good day/night/etc and that good news come your way. NEL <3

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Names: Lain, Dom, Reagan +

He/him, it/its. Nonbinary/transmasculine

Likes: Writing, drawing, dolls, cats, stationery

Developing a sense of self, not sure who i am for now.